We got Mystery’s DNA test back last week and I (Debbie) was not 100% surprised that things got shook up inside of me all over again.
Are you wondering why it is, “Debbie”. Do you think I have gate crashed my husband’s blog site? No. Actually he invited me as a “guest writer”. Some people were asking him how his wife is doing, and so he asked me to share my thoughts. It’s far too much to retrace my journey until now – anyway, I think Nigel has done a great job in that regard – but you can hop on board my bus (we no longer have a car anymore, we have a people carrier 🙂 ) and have a little peek at the current scenery.
If it wasn’t for the DS look now and then, you would think that Mystery was like any other baby. So when we got her DNA results about a week ago confirming that she had Down Syndrome, the reality of it all seemed to hit me in the face again, bringing up all the previous emotions.
I decided I needed to get out and have a heart-to-heart talk with God. While walking, I once again brought all my presenting questions of the past, present and future before the Lord, hoping to get some clarity and perspective. I began sifting through, what I thought, were some potential answers. So many possibilities … either answered through my hope and faith or my doubts and fears. Even then, how was I to know they were God’s answers? But I gave up even trying quite quickly. I reasoned, why wade myself through an experience of the first 38 chapters of Job. My pursuit would only end where Job found himself in chapter 38, realizing after God’s chat with him, that these things were way out of his finite league.
So I left my question asking, but I did get honest with God about my feelings, telling Him that I didn’t understand and that misunderstanding leads to hurt in a relationship – like He needed to know (LOL) – and that I felt hurt. I also mentioned that right at that moment, I didn’t feel I had the strength to trust Him to make it all right. One thing I knew very well though was that, despite all the raging unanswered questions and emotions, He was my only answer, my hope and strong tower and that I loved Him and He loved me. So, I told him that I was presenting myself before Him, just like this – certainly not feeling very pleasing or presentable, but rather weak and confused. I wasn’t going to run away feeling hurt. I have learnt along my life’s road that the only thing to do at these times is throw yourself into His arms.
All I asked of Him was for His grace, grace, grace!
That’s where we left off our “chat”.
A couple of weeks before Mystery was born, through the night I was asking the questions, “What does it mean to birth mystery? What is being birthed in mystery?” I woke up having the clear conviction of one of the things – the miraculous. At church that morning, I had a profound encounter. I wasn’t 100% sure of its meaning although I knew it had something to do with entering into the miraculous. It made sense about 3 weeks later when a prophet came to our church and prophesied over me that God had assigned a miracle working angel to my life. Now I had been aware of an angel’s presence (in my mind’s eye – it seemed like a yellow, intoxicating gas) once or twice since then and each time I just got totally “drunk in the Holy Spirit”.
So that night after my walk and chat with the Lord, I was lying on my 11 year old son’s bed saying goodnight and like I have often prayed, I asked God to heal his jaw. Then I remembered my miracle angel and I said to Daniel that I thought he needed a dental miracle and that he needed to meet my miracle angel. Well, quite unexpectedly, I started laughing in the spirit and then surges of power went through my body in waves. I went away from that experience with God thinking, “Isn’t His grace profound!” God isn’t intimidated by our honesty; he is consistently loving and kind even in our weakness.
Job 38:1 reads, “Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said: “Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you shall answer me” And God goes on to ask Job questions that only God would know and of course Job realizes that in his finiteness, he hasn’t got a hope of understanding a being so infinitely greater and more complex and never ending. So he responds in chapter 40,
“I am unworthy – how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer – twice, but I will say no more.”
Then, after bringing Job to a realization of his finite understanding, God goes on in chapter 41 to reveal to Job His sovereignty – His infinite power and ability to save – and Job’s inability to save himself. Job says in chapter 42,
“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted … surely, I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know …”
Then my favorite bit of what he said,
“My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”
Here is a truth. Did God give all the answers to Job’s questions? No. But why did things change for Job? He had had an encounter with the living God! He said, “I had heard” – he had a second hand experience of God. It had produced some really good things in his life (see the first chapter of Job) but he needed more than that. Otherwise, all he had was religion – something dead. He needed a firsthand experience – a living interaction, an encounter with God –
“but now MY eyes have seen you”.
Interesting that after His encounter with God, Job didn’t have to have His questions answered. (It’s sort of like not having to know exactly how your body works to have a relationship with it and enjoy it’s benefits.) This encounter brought about a change of thinking – he ‘repents’.
I am thankful that I can have consistent encounters with God. Through them I don’t have to have all the questions answered and understood with my finite mind. Faith the bible says in Hebrews 11 is the conviction of the unseen. Faith is going beyond our ability to see or understand (like Abraham and Noah). “I don’t understand. I don’t see. But I know – I’m convinced…” 1 Cor 2:14 reads, “The natural person does not accept the things of the spirit of God … he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned”.
I had a real experience, but it was not an experience with my physical body, through the natural senses – not a physical encounter. It was not an experience with my mind – an intellectual encounter – I did not understand. But it was a real experience – a spiritual experience – a spiritual encounter.
My sister had a word from the Lord for me. She said that God was looking down at me, and saw I was feeling confused and upset, but He had no look of concern on his face, for me or Mystery, because He was so confident of His good plan for us all. God celebrated Mystery’s birth and continues to celebrate her life. God is not feeling sorry for me! So don’t feel sorry for me either, otherwise I may be tempted to see it through your eyes and not His and feel sorry for myself too – like somehow I have a burden instead of a blessing. Our treasure has arrived and we are celebrating with heaven her arrival. Pray for us to continue to see her as God does and believe His amazing promises of what her life will bring forth. And, above all, celebrate her with us!
